The Summer Sads

Ah, Summer. The season of sunshine, vacations, pool parties…and depression? 

Lots of people talk about winter depression. In more recent history SAD (seasonal affective disorder) in the winter has become a regular topic of conversation, with people sharing their favorite light therapy lamps and other tips for surviving the dark winter months. 

I’ve lived up north my whole life, and I’ve definitely thought about the symptoms of SAD. January and February are always tough for me. The joys of the holiday season are over, and spring seems far away. Not to mention these are frequently the two coldest months of the year in the parts of the country I’ve lived in. 

All this to say, I knew seasonal depression was a thing, but I never thought about summer when I thought about tough times of the year. I went so many years of my life not connecting the dots between my mental health and the hot summer months. 

Besides it never being talked about really, I think this was due in large part to the fact that I always had some excuse in my mind for why summer was hard. For about ten years I had a business cleaning houses for people, and I blamed my summer angst on the fact that my job was so much more annoying in the summer. Where usually I could go in and clean while everyone was gone, suddenly I was dealing with kids home with their nanny, or having to reschedule because the family had relatives visiting—and dealing with the messier house later as a result—while also working in sometimes uncomfortably warm houses. 

Hey summer? You’ve got so many friends already. How about you leave me alone mmmkay?

The first seven years I lived in Iowa I drove a car that didn’t have AC, so I arrived everywhere sweaty, and I hate sweating. Plus, Iowa can be hot and humid from April-September depending on the year. Summers were just too long, that’s all. And the air was stinky, and it didn’t cool off at night. Anyone would hate that, right? Normal stuff. 

I think that’s why I didn’t realize my summer malaise was a real issue that wasn’t going to go away until I was living in Montana and had a couple years where I wasn’t working outside the home. Life was good. Summers were short. Nights and mornings were cool, and yet I was suffering. All the creative energy I’d been enjoying in April and May flew out the window and was replaced by a listless lack of motivation that filtered into every aspect of my life. 

Household chores felt like endless monotony. I was bored, but lacked the energy to do any of the things that might make me less bored. I sleep horribly when I’m hot at night, and having to leave doors open at night so the house didn’t get insufferably hot during the day (we didn’t have AC in the house) made me anxious, as did worrying about how bad the fire season would be that year. 

So finally after all that time, it finally dawned on me that I struggle every summer. I started looking back and realizing that I’d been doing it for years. This was not a new thing, I just hadn’t tied it to happening consistently at the same time every year. July and August are as bad for me, maybe even worse, than January and February. 

I searched “is summer depression a thing?” on the internet, and turns out that yeah, they’ve done studies on this. I’m not alone! Like one article I read said, the thing that makes it worse is that you feel like a weirdo for it. (Okay, the article didn’t say it like that, but that’s the upshot) Summer is supposed to be fun! Everyone loves summer, right? What’s wrong with you? I feel like I’m probably not the only one who went years thinking I was “just having a bad few months” instead of recognizing it happened every summer. 

I think I actually have more true seasonal depression in the summer than in the winter. Winters do get long where I live, and I don’t like the cold temps, but it’s easier for me to combat the winter blues. I love cozy things, and burning candles, and celebrating the holidays. I don’t get the brain fog I get in the summer as much, which means I can make art and work on writing, which always helps me. 

Once temps start hitting the upper 70’s to 80’s though, my body nopes out. I’m slammed with fatigue, which makes everything feel so hard. I’m tired year round because of chronic illness, but it somehow gets even worse. The brain fog is horrible, clouding me over and sapping me of creative energy. Everything is a battle. I’m someone who enjoys a lot of alone time, but in the summer I get lonely. People get busy and don’t reach out. I feel stuck on the outside looking in, but also am too tired to do anything about it. 

So now that I know it’s a problem, I’m trying more to combat it. This year it is hitting hard, so I guess that means it’s a great test of what I can get to work or not, right? I will say it is definitely easier now that I’m not in the Midwest where it’s so hot for so long. Most evenings cool off nicely here, and that does help. I’ve taken to going for late evening walks when there’s a breeze. It makes me feel more human again. 

Other things I’m trying: 

1. reading a lot of books. Sometimes you just need to get out of your own head for awhile. 

2. Closing the blinds all over the house when the bright light starts feeling like too much (turns out I find the relentless sun in these high desert climates to be overstimulating) 

3. Drawing on my iPad when I don’t have the energy for bigger art projects 

4. Working in small, doable increments on everything from household chores to writing because (a) it does help my mental health to get stuff done, and (b) I guess I’m not allowed to lie in a dark room and read and sleep all summer. Rude. 

5. Making myself get a little sun on my skin most days, and getting outdoors for a bit at night when it’s cooler

I am super grateful to be in a climate where the hot months are fewer and less intense, and for the life I have right now that generally makes me feel really happy and lucky. Unfortunately, as anyone with depression will tell you, depression doesn’t really care how good you “should” be feeling. On days when staying upright feels like a chore, it takes conscious effort to remind myself of the many good things in life. Frankly, that doesn’t magically make me feel better either. Sometimes you just have to ride it out. 

And dream of October 🎃